Isn't she beautiful?

Despite having a full masectomy.

Despite her hair never growing back in all the way.

Despite her arm swelling due to lymphadema.

Despite her taking poison and all it's ill effects into her body for almost 5 years, to fight the poison growing inside her.

She's the most beautiful woman I've ever known.

Always putting others before herself.  Never complaining.  Full of love.  Prone to giggle fits. So many, many amazing qualities...

It's been hard.  Really hard.  I think it's harder now than it was when it happened.  The shock is wearing away, filling up with reality.

This is the only way I get to see her face now.

But I'll be ok.  I have such great support - Mark, my family, my friends.  I don't know what I would do without you.  I'm sorry for being so gloomy lately...I just, feel it's imperative that I write some of these feelings and thoughts down.  And so often I have a hard time expressing how I feel in words, so when I actually semi coherently gather my thoughts (ha!), I figure I should share them somehow.  It's cathartic, or something.

I know I'm not the only person who has, does, or will experience this - obviously at some point, death of loved ones happens to all of us, and all the conflicting, ridiculous emotions along with it.  And I know death isn't the end of me being my mother's daughter - I will see her again.   It's just that sometimes, it's easy to lose yourself in the temporary loss of it all.  Today kinda felt like one of those days.  But I had Mark there taking care of me, showing his love for me - offering to listen, but not pushing me to speak.  Family and friends checking in on me.  My cousin and her husband coming by (with brownies!) just because.  Talking to my dad (and Chrissay!), as I do every day.  These kinds of things help push me up out of the fog.

...Alright, now I am totally rambling.  Just had been thinking about this picture lately for some reason, it's one of my favorites of mom.  So, I thought I would share it.  If she were here...she would probably bust me big time. (:  

Sinking In

Right now, I would give anything just to talk to my mom.  Hear her voice.  Talk about the everything and nothing of our days.  Give her a hug.

The closest I'm going to get is hearing the recording of her voice on the answering machine back home.

....This sucks.

Christmas Pics!

I know I am terrible at updating, but I do have a smattering of fun pics from Christmas. Christmas was good...but hard. Just...so weird not having mom there, and sad. But much of my family was together, and we were there for over a week! It was so nice having a good chunk of time "back home" and being together.

...And because I am super lazy, please check out the pics which have been uploaded to my facebook - just easier than doing the whole thing again here (:

Christmas Pics!

Hope you enjoy, and all had a wonderful holiday (:

Mom's Obituary

I thought I would post a link here to my mom's obituary, on the chance that anyone would like to see it. The funeral home we went through in Colorado, Horan and McConaty, was outstanding. I will never forget the kindness, gentleness, and respect shown to my mom and my family by our director Michael and the other staff there.

http://obit.horanandmcconaty.com/obitdisplay.html?id=608071&listing=Current

At a loss.

I'm not sure if this is the best way to do this...but honestly right now, it's the best way I can think of to get the message out to all of you who are such good friends to me.

This morning at 5:57 AM, my beautiful mother Irene passed away at the hospital. Needless to say it's been a rough day for my family. My mom is just...the greatest lady you would ever know.

Right now, I really don't think I can go into details. I am thankful that she was able to go pretty quickly, so she wouldn't have to continue to suffer with the pain she has been having lately over an extended time.

I am so thankful for everything my mom has done for me. I truly can't express in words what a wonderful mother she has been. I am so thankful that she doesn't have to hurt anymore - that she is now I am sure, overjoyed to be reunited with her loved ones that have passed on before her, and free of the pain she has been going through these past few years.
I am so thankful for my belief and knowledge that families are forever, and that this separation is just temporary. That we will all be reunited again when we have passed on. I am so thankful for my family, for my friends, for all of you who show so much kindness and love to me.

Just, thank you all for everything...I wish I had time to let each and everyone one of you know personally whats going on right now, and I am sorry for this somewhat impersonal way of doing so. Please don't feel like you can't call or email if you would like to - if not, I totally understand too. I am just thankful to have so many good people in my life. And even though she isn't upon the earth any longer, I know my mom is always watching over me. I will miss her so much...

Downer

My mom was taken in to the hospital today. Lately she's really been struggling with shortness of breath, and just feeling overall "icky." Granted, the new chemo she is on is not reacting as well with her as the previous ones she's been on, so she usually has a few bad days right after her treatment. However, during my usual after work call with her on Friday, she mentioned she really wasn't feeling good, and she hadn't had a treatment in over a week. Then today, as she was trying to walk from her car to the church building, she literally felt like she wouldn't make it - so my dad took her down to Lutheran. We're talking maybe a 20 ft. walk here.

So they've admitted her and are going to run some more tests - she's recently been having tests done on her lungs and heart to try and figure out whats going on, but nothing conclusive has come back yet. Hopefully the tests they run during her stay at the hospital will have more answers, because I don't see how she can keep going like this - where literally walking from one room to another will make her feel faint.

I'm just...tired of seeing her in pain like this. Tired of both my parents having to deal with health issues. Tired of being stuck here in Utah and not close by where I can tangibly help more. Tired of wondering what's going to happen next. More than anything, I just wish I could see them feeling "back to normal" again.

I'm sorry for the short, downer post...I don't know, just been feeling bummed out tonight. I'm so terrible at writing things down, and I just...felt like I needed to get these thoughts out in writing somehow. I hope I can look back on them in the near future and think "I'm so glad we all pulled through okay." I've just got to hang on to that. I'm so thankful that Mark and I are going out there for Thanksgiving this year so I can spend a few days out there, and then it's just a short time until Christmas. There are so many things in my life that I have to be grateful for, and I just need to hang on to those things and be as optimistic as I can.

More News

Man, December always seems to go by so fast. And I really need to get some pictures up on here soon, dang it.

As I am at work (again), this will be a really quick update, for those of you who want to know the latest with my mom. She got the results from her PET Scan back, and thank goodness, her cancer is really just localized to that one area - it hasn't spread anywhere else. She will be doing intraveinous chemotherapy, but the one she will be taking has comparitively minimal side effects, which will definitely be a help. We are so grateful that it will be easily treatable, and that it isn't anywhere else in her body. Good news for sure!

Other than that, just preparing to go to CO on Saturday. Mark and I are driving over, and we get to stay for a little more than a week! WOOHOO! Unless the weather gets crazy, then we can cut it short a couple of days. I am really looking forward to going "home." Colorado still feels like home to me. It will be so nice to see both of our families, and old friends.

Alright, back to work!