Isn't she beautiful?
Despite having a full masectomy.
Despite her hair never growing back in all the way.
Despite her arm swelling due to lymphadema.
Despite her taking poison and all it's ill effects into her body for almost 5 years, to fight the poison growing inside her.
She's the most beautiful woman I've ever known.
Always putting others before herself. Never complaining. Full of love. Prone to giggle fits. So many, many amazing qualities...
It's been hard. Really hard. I think it's harder now than it was when it happened. The shock is wearing away, filling up with reality.
This is the only way I get to see her face now.
But I'll be ok. I have such great support - Mark, my family, my friends. I don't know what I would do without you. I'm sorry for being so gloomy lately...I just, feel it's imperative that I write some of these feelings and thoughts down. And so often I have a hard time expressing how I feel in words, so when I actually semi coherently gather my thoughts (ha!), I figure I should share them somehow. It's cathartic, or something.
I know I'm not the only person who has, does, or will experience this - obviously at some point, death of loved ones happens to all of us, and all the conflicting, ridiculous emotions along with it. And I know death isn't the end of me being my mother's daughter - I will see her again. It's just that sometimes, it's easy to lose yourself in the temporary loss of it all. Today kinda felt like one of those days. But I had Mark there taking care of me, showing his love for me - offering to listen, but not pushing me to speak. Family and friends checking in on me. My cousin and her husband coming by (with brownies!) just because. Talking to my dad (and Chrissay!), as I do every day. These kinds of things help push me up out of the fog.
...Alright, now I am totally rambling. Just had been thinking about this picture lately for some reason, it's one of my favorites of mom. So, I thought I would share it. If she were here...she would probably bust me big time. (:
Labels: mom
posted by Robin @ 10:50 PM
12 comments
12 Comments:
Oh, Robin. I'm glad that you shared your thoughts with us, and you don't have to apologize for being "gloomy."
Your Mom is beautiful indeed. You can see her strength and wisdom in her eyes.
Love ya.
Thanks for sharing these thoughts, Robin. Just to let you know, I read and care about your thoughts, and I'm praying for you.
Love Charlotte
I'm sorry you're filling up with reality and are feeling so much pain.
I love it that you said is she were here she would probably bust you big time.
I really enjoyed seeing you the other night at book club. It was nice to hear you talk about your mom. I hope that it helps to just talk. I do like that picture of your mom too. You can tell that she is all the things you describe about her. You are in my prayers...
Robin you're always in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could do more fore you. I love reading your ramblings.
Robin, the relationship you have with your mom is envious! I know you appreciate it and are grateful for the uniqueness of your bond- Thanks for your open honesty in this most difficult of times. I will try to remember that you wil continue to struggle even when the rest of the world seems to go on without you...Love you, Miss you. You can do hard things.
I was just thinking about you, Robin, wondering how you were doing, and then I found this. It must be so hard when reality sets in. Yes, everyone has to deal with death, but I wish you didn't have to lose your mother at such a young age. That particular loss, a daughter losing amother, seems so very great. Thinking about you.
Keep writing about your thoughts and feelings. I think that it helps you and your family. Know that it becomes different, not necessarily better or worse, just different. At least for me, I don't think of the loss constantly anymore. There are times when it just hits me though; mostly it seems random. Just embrace it. I am so grateful for the gospel and to know that we will see and be with our loved ones again. Your mom is an exceptionally beautiful and giving person and I see a lot of her in you. Live her legacy.
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