Blowing Dust...

...off this dusty corner, at least for a quick post :) (thanks for the poke Rachelle ;))

Also...typing on my phone, so beware of errors!

So...its been a busy year plus...with the most obvious big thing being the new addition.

This guy.



Nicholas Maxwell came screaming into our lives at 12:59 pm on March 5th. It was a day that has changed my life forever.

A few things I have come to learn in this short term:

-Maybe I got lucky, but the actual labor process wasn't nearly as horrific as I was expecting. It was really pretty smooth sailing!

-Post partum, on the other hand...has been much harder than I expected. These little ones change your life so completely its hard not to feel overwhelmed.

-I actually miss being pregnant a little bit! Mostly the kicks :)

-I am totally good giving myself a few years before cooking up another one of these ;)

-Sleep is overrated.

-Good thing this kid definitely has the cute factor going for him ;) I mean, seriously:





In short...its an adventure you really can't prepare for until you are thrust into it.

Its been hard on me, I won't lie. But...hoping it improves soon, and I continue to grow in love with my little guy :) One day at a time.

Here's to new life...literally :)

New Post....what??

So yeah. Still upholding my status as worst blogger ever. But, I thought I would give a brief dusting to this corner (even updated my pic and bio, when I saw it still showed me as 24...). You can mostly find me on Facebook and Twitter these days, as they more easily indulge my "snapshot" memories/random trains of thought.

But, life is good. Really good actually. There's been some tough times and crazy rough moments these last few years. But through it all, I've really started to gain that mysterious quality called "confidence." Which has done wonders for me. I'm definitely not perfect, and still have my crappy days(/weeks/months sometimes), but overall...I've really started to try caring more about myself, and in turn, let that reflect on the people I care about.

So...there you go. Can't promise I will be around here again soon...but, figured I would "pop in" to say hello. :)

Passage

It's been almost a full year since my last post in here.

And I don't know if I can call this a proper "post" - more an acknowledgement, that indeed - I am still alive and kickin' ;)

This past year has FLOWN. Yet in some ways, seems like such a long time. Lots of things happening.

Good things, rough things....just a lot going through my head.

Anyways...I highly doubt anyone peers in this dusty corner anymore (Journaling has never been a strong point for me...obviously, haha!), but...just thought I would say hello (:

Hopefully I will come around more often (:

Isn't she beautiful?

Despite having a full masectomy.

Despite her hair never growing back in all the way.

Despite her arm swelling due to lymphadema.

Despite her taking poison and all it's ill effects into her body for almost 5 years, to fight the poison growing inside her.

She's the most beautiful woman I've ever known.

Always putting others before herself.  Never complaining.  Full of love.  Prone to giggle fits. So many, many amazing qualities...

It's been hard.  Really hard.  I think it's harder now than it was when it happened.  The shock is wearing away, filling up with reality.

This is the only way I get to see her face now.

But I'll be ok.  I have such great support - Mark, my family, my friends.  I don't know what I would do without you.  I'm sorry for being so gloomy lately...I just, feel it's imperative that I write some of these feelings and thoughts down.  And so often I have a hard time expressing how I feel in words, so when I actually semi coherently gather my thoughts (ha!), I figure I should share them somehow.  It's cathartic, or something.

I know I'm not the only person who has, does, or will experience this - obviously at some point, death of loved ones happens to all of us, and all the conflicting, ridiculous emotions along with it.  And I know death isn't the end of me being my mother's daughter - I will see her again.   It's just that sometimes, it's easy to lose yourself in the temporary loss of it all.  Today kinda felt like one of those days.  But I had Mark there taking care of me, showing his love for me - offering to listen, but not pushing me to speak.  Family and friends checking in on me.  My cousin and her husband coming by (with brownies!) just because.  Talking to my dad (and Chrissay!), as I do every day.  These kinds of things help push me up out of the fog.

...Alright, now I am totally rambling.  Just had been thinking about this picture lately for some reason, it's one of my favorites of mom.  So, I thought I would share it.  If she were here...she would probably bust me big time. (:  

Sinking In

Right now, I would give anything just to talk to my mom.  Hear her voice.  Talk about the everything and nothing of our days.  Give her a hug.

The closest I'm going to get is hearing the recording of her voice on the answering machine back home.

....This sucks.

Christmas Pics!

I know I am terrible at updating, but I do have a smattering of fun pics from Christmas. Christmas was good...but hard. Just...so weird not having mom there, and sad. But much of my family was together, and we were there for over a week! It was so nice having a good chunk of time "back home" and being together.

...And because I am super lazy, please check out the pics which have been uploaded to my facebook - just easier than doing the whole thing again here (:

Christmas Pics!

Hope you enjoy, and all had a wonderful holiday (:

Mom's Obituary

I thought I would post a link here to my mom's obituary, on the chance that anyone would like to see it. The funeral home we went through in Colorado, Horan and McConaty, was outstanding. I will never forget the kindness, gentleness, and respect shown to my mom and my family by our director Michael and the other staff there.

http://obit.horanandmcconaty.com/obitdisplay.html?id=608071&listing=Current

Thank you

I wish there was a better way to respond to individual comments where I know you would see them, but I just wanted to tell everyone thank you for your kind thoughts, prayers, words, and just...everything. It really helps bolster me up, and give me a lift during the day. Thank you just doesn't seem to express how much it means to me. (:

At a loss.

I'm not sure if this is the best way to do this...but honestly right now, it's the best way I can think of to get the message out to all of you who are such good friends to me.

This morning at 5:57 AM, my beautiful mother Irene passed away at the hospital. Needless to say it's been a rough day for my family. My mom is just...the greatest lady you would ever know.

Right now, I really don't think I can go into details. I am thankful that she was able to go pretty quickly, so she wouldn't have to continue to suffer with the pain she has been having lately over an extended time.

I am so thankful for everything my mom has done for me. I truly can't express in words what a wonderful mother she has been. I am so thankful that she doesn't have to hurt anymore - that she is now I am sure, overjoyed to be reunited with her loved ones that have passed on before her, and free of the pain she has been going through these past few years.
I am so thankful for my belief and knowledge that families are forever, and that this separation is just temporary. That we will all be reunited again when we have passed on. I am so thankful for my family, for my friends, for all of you who show so much kindness and love to me.

Just, thank you all for everything...I wish I had time to let each and everyone one of you know personally whats going on right now, and I am sorry for this somewhat impersonal way of doing so. Please don't feel like you can't call or email if you would like to - if not, I totally understand too. I am just thankful to have so many good people in my life. And even though she isn't upon the earth any longer, I know my mom is always watching over me. I will miss her so much...

Downer

My mom was taken in to the hospital today. Lately she's really been struggling with shortness of breath, and just feeling overall "icky." Granted, the new chemo she is on is not reacting as well with her as the previous ones she's been on, so she usually has a few bad days right after her treatment. However, during my usual after work call with her on Friday, she mentioned she really wasn't feeling good, and she hadn't had a treatment in over a week. Then today, as she was trying to walk from her car to the church building, she literally felt like she wouldn't make it - so my dad took her down to Lutheran. We're talking maybe a 20 ft. walk here.

So they've admitted her and are going to run some more tests - she's recently been having tests done on her lungs and heart to try and figure out whats going on, but nothing conclusive has come back yet. Hopefully the tests they run during her stay at the hospital will have more answers, because I don't see how she can keep going like this - where literally walking from one room to another will make her feel faint.

I'm just...tired of seeing her in pain like this. Tired of both my parents having to deal with health issues. Tired of being stuck here in Utah and not close by where I can tangibly help more. Tired of wondering what's going to happen next. More than anything, I just wish I could see them feeling "back to normal" again.

I'm sorry for the short, downer post...I don't know, just been feeling bummed out tonight. I'm so terrible at writing things down, and I just...felt like I needed to get these thoughts out in writing somehow. I hope I can look back on them in the near future and think "I'm so glad we all pulled through okay." I've just got to hang on to that. I'm so thankful that Mark and I are going out there for Thanksgiving this year so I can spend a few days out there, and then it's just a short time until Christmas. There are so many things in my life that I have to be grateful for, and I just need to hang on to those things and be as optimistic as I can.