Isn't she beautiful?

Despite having a full masectomy.

Despite her hair never growing back in all the way.

Despite her arm swelling due to lymphadema.

Despite her taking poison and all it's ill effects into her body for almost 5 years, to fight the poison growing inside her.

She's the most beautiful woman I've ever known.

Always putting others before herself.  Never complaining.  Full of love.  Prone to giggle fits. So many, many amazing qualities...

It's been hard.  Really hard.  I think it's harder now than it was when it happened.  The shock is wearing away, filling up with reality.

This is the only way I get to see her face now.

But I'll be ok.  I have such great support - Mark, my family, my friends.  I don't know what I would do without you.  I'm sorry for being so gloomy lately...I just, feel it's imperative that I write some of these feelings and thoughts down.  And so often I have a hard time expressing how I feel in words, so when I actually semi coherently gather my thoughts (ha!), I figure I should share them somehow.  It's cathartic, or something.

I know I'm not the only person who has, does, or will experience this - obviously at some point, death of loved ones happens to all of us, and all the conflicting, ridiculous emotions along with it.  And I know death isn't the end of me being my mother's daughter - I will see her again.   It's just that sometimes, it's easy to lose yourself in the temporary loss of it all.  Today kinda felt like one of those days.  But I had Mark there taking care of me, showing his love for me - offering to listen, but not pushing me to speak.  Family and friends checking in on me.  My cousin and her husband coming by (with brownies!) just because.  Talking to my dad (and Chrissay!), as I do every day.  These kinds of things help push me up out of the fog.

...Alright, now I am totally rambling.  Just had been thinking about this picture lately for some reason, it's one of my favorites of mom.  So, I thought I would share it.  If she were here...she would probably bust me big time. (:  

Sinking In

Right now, I would give anything just to talk to my mom.  Hear her voice.  Talk about the everything and nothing of our days.  Give her a hug.

The closest I'm going to get is hearing the recording of her voice on the answering machine back home.

....This sucks.

Christmas Pics!

I know I am terrible at updating, but I do have a smattering of fun pics from Christmas. Christmas was good...but hard. Just...so weird not having mom there, and sad. But much of my family was together, and we were there for over a week! It was so nice having a good chunk of time "back home" and being together.

...And because I am super lazy, please check out the pics which have been uploaded to my facebook - just easier than doing the whole thing again here (:

Christmas Pics!

Hope you enjoy, and all had a wonderful holiday (: