Self Evaluation
My Disney World post will be soon - these past few weeks have gotten away from me. And I just don't feel like switching over to Mark's side, so I can access the photos we uploaded. So....yeah.
Anyway, I've been feeling a little stressed/down on myself lately. Now let me make a disclaimer here, for those of you who actually read this: This is NOT a "poor me, please pour on the sympathy" post. Not at all. I'm just actually deciding to write out how I am feeling at the moment, even if it's not fantastic. So really - I'm not fishing for comments or anything. Just wanted to be sure and establish that.
I always get to be more this way when I am under stress. And the past couple of weeks have been pretty stressful. My work launched a brand new company on Monday, and needless to say it has been crazy. We have had so much to do, and it literally feels like there is not enough time to do it. It just seemed to come up so fast. And I feel so unsure of myself sometimes at work - I have a hard time making big decisions, because I put so much pressure on myself that if I screw up, it will cause a huge set back, etc. But at the same time, I need to make those decisions, because no one else has the time to. So it just kinda wears on me. Probably a good thing in the long run - it's helping me be more assertive, confident in making decisions, etc. But yeah - stressful, and doesn't add to the good vibes to myself.
I've also been feeling so....replaceable, I guess is the word. I don't feel that way with my husband (that would be a problem), and with my family, it's more in my social acquaintances, and friendships, and such. Really, I feel like this sort of transient being that can provide a good ear to listen, or a shoulder to lean on, or to have a good laugh with. But I'm so sporadic with keeping in contact with people, or doing nice things for people, that I allow myself to be a lame friend. And I hate that, because I want to be a good friend - just like my friends are to me. But I feel like I fall short, or something.
I don't feel like I am creative - though I do think I am getting better. I just get so frustrated with myself about it, because I am always comparing myself to others who are very talented and creative. And I know that's not the point, or what I should be doing - but I still do it regardless. I've been a "comparitive" person my whole life. I feel like I don't have any real talents, or the ones I do have, I have let slip away, like my piano playing. Basically it comes down to I am too lazy, and I don't let myself feel like it's worth trying, because it's never "enough."
Ok, so I am seriously sitting here debating on whether I should actually post this or not. Looking at it, it totally comes across as a sympathy post, which as I mentioned, is not what I want to it to be. But, I'm going to go ahead and post it here before I wuss out - maybe it will be good to just get these thoughts out here. Maybe it will help me realize that this isn't really the way I feel - this is just the somewhat stressed, kinda down on herself Robin talking. And that's not the real me.
posted by Robin @ 5:26 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
I understand how you're feeling and I'm sorry you're feeling down. When I'm feeling replaceable, I usually call my mom (always a good source of validation and esteem boost :) ) or indulge those feelings by watching a movie. I hate funks like that and hopefully this one will pass soon for you. And FYI--I think you're awesome and I've loved hanging out with you this school year!
I am sure stress is a huge factor in all you are feeling- how could it not be with the type of company MCL is- or at least the distributor base. And I also suspect that your feelings on creativity have something to do with the company too- I mean to work for a scrap company and not feel scrappy would be hard.
I think there are ways to be creative that have nothing to do with design- cooking is creative, music is creative, writing is creative. Maybe it is time you go on a little journey of self discovery and just throw yourself into a few things that have peaked your interest and see where that takes you.
As far as the replaceable goes- I think we have all been through that and I know I go through stages depending on my mood and what is happening in my life. Being busy and stressed makes friendship more 'work' for sure. Follow your instincts- if you are thinking of someone, find out why. If you randomly see something or hear something that so-and-so reminds you of, just let them know. A lot of a little goes a long way. I struggle with this too- so I try to take my own advice.
I'm glad you posted this- it's good to get it all out sometimes.
Sorry you're feeling down. I want you know that I don't think you're replaceable. I love having you as my friend.
I agree with Hannah if you don't feel creatvity with scrapping then try something new. Indulge in your music, you're so talented. I often feel very uncreative especially with the friends that I have but I try to think of different ways to be creatvie, but it is really hard.
Hope you feel better soon.
Call if you want to talk or just hang out. I always love being with you.
The commencement speaker at my high school graduation said "All unhappiness comes by comparison." That has stuck with me all these years. I still fall victim to comparisons, but whenever I do that and start to feel down about it I remember this quote and stop myself. There's just no good that comes from comparing.
I'm glad you posted this and I know what you mean about not fishing for sympathy. Hang tough and maybe decide what you want to be better at (being a friend, being creative or whatever) and then list some ways to actually to it. You gotta name it to claim it baby.
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